Sunday November 27, 2005

I realized something is happening in my life as a result of the entire surgery process and it’s confusing but great. It’s just as important to gaining my life back as losing the weight so this a big deal to me. I must note as a reminder that this blog is to let people know what is going on but mostly it’s a venting tool for me. I will not discuss in detail and will not provide instances of situations that I discuss below. The past is done and I don’t feel the need to discuss it beyond this page.

Here’s the cool thing:

I’m realizing how much over the years that I’ve allowed myself to be treated like a wet blanket and to be bullied. I’ve known it but I’m really just now GETTING it. It upsets me. It bothered me before but I felt powerless to stop it so instead of taking appropriate steps to stop the problem, I either get defensive or I get passive aggressive towards myself. But the hard work I’ve had to put into getting the surgery, the hard work I’m doing to manage my new life, as well as the courage it’s taken to do ALL of that has really raised my self esteem. I truly KNOW now that I don’t deserve to be bullied or for people to try to manipulate me. I don’t deserve to have people try to make me live my life how they want it lived. I don’t deserve the discrimination and controlling, sometimes even hateful treatment that I get from certain people in my life.

I’ve been tired of it for a while but as I’m truly seeing myself and my situation for the first time from a much healthier emotional standpoint, I am not putting up with the treatment anymore. The hard part is finding a balance between letting people know I won’t tolerate their  crap but not becoming a bitch myself.

For example, I had an editor pull a stunt today and he tried to make it my responsibility and I didn’t stand for it. I didn’t get hateful, but I was very clear to explain my point. I didn’t win of course because that’s how life is, but at least I stood up for myself and wouldn’t take responsibility for his mistake. I was proud of myself for sticking up for myself. I told a good friend all this who knows a lot of what I’ve gone through, especially at work, and she was proud of me too.

It’s just cool to me that I can already see not only my weight coming off and the physical benefits of that, but the emotional benefits of the surgery: self respect.

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