Sunday July 16, 2006

Tonight something happened that I told myself would never happen. I looked at myself and saw the old me. Fat, useless and unloveable. I know I’m still very overweight but I haven’t felt this bad about myself in a long time. Ever since I had the surgery I saw myself as someone who was a work in progress and that the progress was positive. That all changed tonight. I can see now that it’s been building for a while. I’m reverting back to old habits, none of them good. I’m eating carbs again which is death to a gastric bypass patient. I’m now able to eat a scary amount of them, more than I sometimes would eat before I had surgery.

I’ve also gone back to using sex to keep guy friends. I don’t have literal sex with them, but I use it as a means of getting them to actually talk to me. That’s absurd. If that’s the only way I can get someone to pay attention to me, they aren’t the kind of person I want in my life anyways. But my deep need to not feel rejected and not feel useless and unattractive clouded my judgement. Part of me feels like no one will ever see me as more than a fat chick in a wheelchair.

I don’t know how to fix this. I knew the surgery was a tool but I honestly thought that the change in attitude I had developed was going to be enough to make me not do this.

I’m scared. I’m scared that I will screw up my life again even after all I’ve gone through. I’m scared no one will ever want to be with me for me. I’m scared that I will always care this much about situations like this. I’m even more scared that I will eventually become so calloused that situations like this won’t hurt me at all.

Leave a Reply