Sunday August 13, 2006

I realized tonight (again when I was writing a friend) that I have this weird fear of failing this surgery. I knew it ahead of time but was determined to not fail. I even gave away my clothes that I’ve shrunk out of even though I would think inside “why am I doing this? I’m going to just get fat again and have to buy new clothes all over again”. Every time those thoughts come in my head I remind myself that this plan is permanent now and while I may gain some of the weight back, I don’t ever plan on getting to my highest weight again.

One part of my life that I don’t really think much about but I have yet to really deal with is all the medicine I have still in my cabinets. I still have a bunch of my old diabetes-related medicine that I haven’t taken since I had surgery. I don’t believe I will ever need it again and even if I did, I would have to get new prescriptions anyways. But I just can’t bring myself to flush it down the toilet. It is something that no one else will ever be allowed to do because it’s symbolic for me to do it. But I just can’t bring myself to do it yet. It’s like an old security blanket that I still feel the need to hang onto for now.

I have no real purpose in posting this, just to get my thoughts out in the world and share part of the journey.

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